As I am sharing this as a blog post, I would like to preface this as a part of my own healing journey and not necessarily something I would send to said frenemy, even if we were in contact. I have no need for her acceptance, forgiveness or friendship, I only have a need to transform and alchemize my own feelings regarding the topic. A few months ago, I took part in a 21 day meditation container, and one of the challenges that came up, was to write a letter of thanks to your enemy. Here is a letter of thanks and gratitude to my greatest frenemy. A friend whom I met in high school and always had a challenging relationship with. To this day, she still speaks of me to others and before I wrote this letter, her image would bring a lot of hurt feelings to mind, but after last weekend, I feel empathy towards her for all the experiences that has shaped her, and in turn shaped me. Here is a letter to my frenemy.
Dear A,
I want to take a moment to reflect on our relationship, both the light and the shadows that stem from it. You are probably one of the biggest shapers of my teenage experience and, therefore, who I have become today. You were so many things to me between the ages of 13 and 24, when we stopped speaking for good. Those years were critical in my life, and I’d like to thank you.
When we first met and became friends, we were both so innocent. We were only kids, but we were open, raw, and shameless. You were a great friend to me, and I think we connected even though we came from different places and had different family dynamics.
Your family life was unlike anything I’d ever seen. I’d never known anyone who stood up to their parents the way you did, and it was my first experience seeing the difficulties that your mom faced. Your mom was kind, and I loved her a lot. I remember all the times I tried to console her after an argument and making her cups of tea when she came out of her room. I came to understand that must have faced a lot of difficulties and as a parent myself now, I can only imagine how much she suffered within her own behaviour and habits. Spending time with your family taught me that even the most caring and loving people can face tough, complicated challenges.
Despite everything, I grew to love you and I treasured our time together. When we were teenagers, we all loved staying at your home because it was so free from parental oversight. You triggered my rebellious side, and I learned how to stand up to my own parents—and, later, to stand up for myself in general. It taught me how to be independent, bold and fearless. Reflecting on it now, I can’t believe how freely we spent time in your home, where the lack of involvement was so evident. To us, it felt like freedom because no one gave us curfews or rules. Now, I see that what felt like freedom for us might have been a kind of neglect you’d experienced from a young age.
I didn’t fully understand it then, nor did I understand the lasting impact of that kind of environment. The first time I began to comprehend your experience, and the related behaviours was when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2013. Like yours, my BPD stemmed from early childhood neglect—mainly my mother’s repeated, long stays in psychiatric hospitals while I was growing up. Once I learned about BPD after my diagnosis, I felt a lot of clarity and understanding for both my and your behaviours and personality.
With that understanding, I could see why we both had such intense emotional outbursts. I could understand your strong need for validation, which I see even now in how you still talk about me, seeking agreement and validation for your dislike of me. I understood the black-and-white thinking and how, it was always all or nothing. I even came to understand the fear of abandonment that drove you to make our friends pick sides. My diagnosis gave me a lot of clarity and insight into why we often clashed so hard.
Despite everything, I still have so many fond memories. You let me practice that hypnosis script on you so many times, and that gave me a passion that I have pursued further and I’m now close to completing my hypnosis qualification. Playing “spin to this” where you would throw different music at me to poi dance to made me a more dynamic performer. You were also the first person to draw me nude for your college art classes, which gave me a love for being an art subject. I later got to model for our high school art teacher, which felt like a full circle.
On the darker side of our friendship, we fought hard, and after each fight, we’d go months or even years without speaking. Even now, since our last fight, we haven’t spoken in over 11 years. Back then, you’d always make the group choose sides, and most friends chose you, fearing your reactions and wrath. Those repeated experiences of friends choosing you over me taught me a lesson about impermanence—that no matter how close a friendship is, nothing and no one will last forever. When my best friends could leave me at the drop of a hat over an ultimatum, I learned that everything in life eventually passes, whether through life or through death, everyone leaves one day.
That might sound sad, but it’s actually been a valuable lesson that saved me from a lot of heartache later in life. I learned to appreciate every moment someone is in my life without worrying so much about when it might end. Like when someone adopts a pet and knows, somewhere in the back of their mind, that one day their beloved pet will die, but they focus on the love they share in the moment, instead of the inevitable end. I appreciate that lesson and how much it’s helped me along the way. Appreciating every moment and appreciating every person for what they bring to my life right now, has made me more present in my experience, spending less time dwelling on what already was or what will come.
To be honest, it surprises me that even 11 years later, you’re still trying to make people pick sides. I have heard that you’ve even tried to convince one of my current best friends that I’m a terrible person. It’s strange because you don’t know who I am anymore—we haven’t spoken in over a decade, and I’ve changed in countless ways. I hardly recognise the me that fought with you so long ago. In some way it shows that I must have left a big mark on your life for it to still matter so much to you.
Over the years, I’ve felt empathy for you as you’ve gone through tough times, like losing your mom and grandma. The hardest thing for me, though, has been knowing that you’re still so wrapped up in our past that it affects your connections with people today. Nobody likes to be around someone that can’t stop speaking badly about others. I’ve had people tell me about things you’ve said about me, and I never return the negativity. I simply say that we had a fight a long time ago and that you can’t seem to let it go, but I hold no hard feelings. I don’t see you as a bad person, just someone who could use a little more compassion and love. Afterall, the way you speak about me to other people, says a lot more about you and your character, than it does about me and mine.
So, I’m ending this with love. I’m sorry things ended the way they did, and I’m sorry I triggered such lasting anger in you. I forgive you for the fights and the things you’ve said about me over the years. I forgive you for making our friends pick sides, for making Richard spread icecream on my ass and for all the things that hurt. I’ve learned to transform whatever negativity comes my way into love and to send that love back out, and there’s a lot of love I’m sending to you. I love the memories we shared and cherish the impact you’ve had on my life. To me, every experience has value, and you are a valuable part of my story.
I hope that one day, you’ll feel peace in your heart and see that holding onto anger hasn’t been worth your time or energy. But if you still feel the need to keep me close in your thoughts—even if it’s in a dark way—I’ll will accept and honour the position that you have given me in your heart and mind and I will just keep sending love, regardless.
I am forever grateful to have known you because I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. I’m really happy with the person I’ve become, and I owe a lot of that to you.
When I look back, I choose to focus on the good memories. I think of us listening to that same Good Charlotte CD a hundred times and getting drunk on the beach on OBS. There’s a saying I like: “When you are angry at someone, you are punishing yourself for something that they did.” On that note, you don’t have to keep fighting me, and you don’t have to keep punishing yourself for another decade. I choose forgiveness because feeling peace in my heart is so much better than holding onto anger.
Mother Ayahuasca showed me all the value that you have giving me over the years, and last night I made medicine from the experience in my new healing space, by burning any residual negative thoughts and feeling towards you, in our first fire ceremony in the new space. Now that I have a thriving community of loving sisters, I recognise your power, and I recognise your position as one of my very first sisters.
Friend or frenemy doesn’t matter to me at all, I love you non the less and I am so grateful for you A. Thank you for everything and I wish you a peaceful next year ahead.
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